Life Partner Selection Process
A Strategic Approach to Dating with Purpose
There must be something in the air these days – recently I’ve received a lot of questions from readers regarding the complex topic of selecting a good life partner.
Maybe the recent news about Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner splitting up are spurring this, or maybe it’s something deep that’s now surfacing in the collective subconscious.
In general, all of us are aware of the statistic that “50% of marriages end in Divorce,” which naturally makes all of us slightly apprehensive about settling down/committing to somebody else.
And why shouldn’t you feel anxious about it?
You’re telling me the odds of your life imploding are no better than a coin flip?
I’m not much of a trader, but I’m almost positive the EV of this trade is SIGNIFICANTLY negative.
Buying a ticket to Vegas and putting it all on red makes almost as much sense, if you’re purely playing the odds.
Nonetheless, I’m severely anti-black pill.
Disclaimer – I have never been married, but I come from a very traditional family where Divorce is simply not an option. Maybe I’m overly optimistic as well.
I wager that all the FUD surrounding long term relationships is part of an attack on the family unit, and I think most of the couples that do end up divorced shouldn’t have been together to begin with in the first place.
Based on anecdotal/empirical data from friends, family, acquaintances, and some of you readers, I believe that most people do a complete SHIT job of qualifying their partners, and they settle for relationships with people bound to fail from the start.
Now – obviously there are exceptions to the rule, and sometimes life throws you aggressive, life-altering curveballs that are tough to overcome.
However, Divorce is a relatively modern invention, which means that we aren’t forced to live in this reality.
This post, then, is an attempt at combating the Divorce Pandemic, and arming you with the right tools necessary to pick a good partner while dating to set you up for relationship success in the long run.
In my opinion, Marriage is one of THE MOST CRITICAL SINGLE DECISIONS you will make in your ENTIRE LIFE.
Marriage not only affects your emotional/mental well-being, but it affects you financially, it affects your kids, it affects literally EVERYTHING downstream of that decision.
It is in your best interest to nail this decision.
Heads or Tails – Are the Odds Really That Bad?
To me, it seems like too many people get married out of social conditioning/peer pressure to people that were simply “there” at the right time.
That is, I think most people wake up one day around ~28, look around, and say “yup, guess I’ll marry this one.”
Lack of planning/awareness typically lands you in this position, and in the case of women, who have a biological clock ticking, there is an increased pressure to settle down before their eggs are metaphorically cooked.
Additionally, since the average person is… well… average, and they lack the awareness/consciousness of a fruit fly, the sample pool for “marriage” is less than stellar.
1 + 1 does in fact equal 2, and considering the above, I’m actually surprised the failure rate for marriages isn’t much higher (like 80%).
Intuitively, this makes sense – I think most people in unhappy marriages suffer in “silence.”
For reasons beyond the marriage (money/kids, primarily), I think most unhappy couples decide to stick things out purely because it’s the best option available to them.
Like I said, I’m not a doomer at all. I look to my grandparents, who survived my grandpa’s infidelity, drugs, illness, financial challenges, etc., and I’m convinced that marital success is a choice completely contingent upon both people in the relationship.
You make a choice (either consciously or not) every single day, to stay with the person you’re dating, and in a sense, you choose whether or not your marriage will be successful as well.
I also think many of the issues are completely avoidable, as well, if planned for accordingly.
Laying a strong foundation – The Selection Process 🧩
When was the last time you built a puzzle?
Do you remember how tedious finding matching puzzle pieces was?
How sometimes, you’d find pieces that “looked” good side by side, but didn’t fit at all.
Or sometimes, you’d find pieces that fit snuggly, but didn’t match either?
Sometimes, you’d find ones that looked good and ALMOST fit, but you’d have to force them together to get them to stick.
Selecting a good life partner is a lot like building a puzzle.
It’s more than just picking a hot girl/guy with good genes that will give you D1 athletes.
It’s more than finding someone that can cook your favorite meal better than your mom can.
It’s a nuanced process that takes some time to nail, and actually depends heavily on you.
That’s right – your odds of finding the “perfect mate” are significantly lower if you have zero clue about who you are and what you want to do with your life.
Let’s think back to puzzle pieces.
When building a puzzle, two things matter when matching pieces, the image and the shape.
With human beings, we can make an analogy to the puzzles, where the image represents all the superficial shit that typically matters to us humans, and the shape represents more fundamental things like values, goals, beliefs, etc.
When selecting for a life partner, obviously the first thing that’s going to draw you to them are superficial things. Their hair, their eyes, their body, if you’re a sick fuck maybe their toes, idk.
You may care about their job, their hobbies, the fact that she makes excellent cookies, or that he makes excellent steak.
This is normal, and a reasonable part of the dating process.
Over time though, these things may change. She may cut her hair, he may swap steak for fish for heart health.
He might quit his high flying law career for a different life as a personal trainer, or her body may age after popping a few kids out.
These things are ALSO normal, and part of life as human beings.
If these things form the basis of your relationship, then as they change, you may find yourself not as “attracted” to them as you once were.
Because your relationship was based on superficial things, as life “happens,” you’ll find that there wasn’t much holding both of you together in the beginning, and things start falling apart, naturally.